Who am I when I’m alone?

It’s a pretty popular saying: “Dance as if no one is watching”. It’s a way to say that if you can drown out the world outside, you can be completely free. You can be your true self only when you’re alone… but can you?

Recently, the belief that you don’t owe anything to anyone has been widespread. Its message lies basically in the injunction that you can care about others only as long as you are fully fulfilled and put your needs above all else. Prioritising oneself is justified by appreciating one’s inner peace, and the lack of trust in others is simply “moving silently and letting success make the noise”. 

But the current glorification of solitude calls for isolation and a deep loss of connection with others, both of which lead us astray from our very human essence. How can we be ourselves if we cut all the ties that link us to the rest of the world?

I need others… to reject them

It might sound paradoxical, but we need others to reject them, because the way we position ourselves relies on a binary. We always depend on another being whose role is to counterbalance what we are, by being what we don’t want to be. And this applies to every level of being.

For instance, Europeans have constructed the Western identity in relation to the Non-Western other, projecting on it everything that wasn't what they wanted the West to be. Then, thanks to colonial power, they were able to push that narrative into the world: it’s only what one has created as the Other that can allow for the construction of the Self. 

There is also a feminist theory that the terms “man” and “woman” only exist in their relationship with one another. According to radical constructivists, gender, as a social construct, is created through roles and through the symmetrical relations that are developed between individuals. In society, men represent the “Self”, the “norm”, and over centuries, women have been transformed into “the Other”. It is what leads some scholars to conclude that either both exist, or none of them can exist. Being a woman is thus always being related to what being a man is, and vice-versa. 

In this light, identities seem to never be a generative process, since they are always created through systems of exclusion. Finding out who you are is a negative enterprise, since it almost always involves finding out what you are not in order to position yourself as the antithesis of it. Thus, there appears to be no individual identity possible: you cannot build your identity from scratch. Everything that has come before you, everything and everyone you have encountered, represents something to align with or to reject in order to become yourself. 

If this seems a bit pessimistic, at least it proves that humans cannot live alone and always need someone else to exist—it’s almost poetic. 

I need others…to make me whole

Of course, in a more positive way, we need others to simply dialogue with us and let our true selves come to light. True authenticity can only be found through people who challenge our vision of the world, so that we can find our own way of seeing it. We are a kaleidoscope of all the people and the experiences that have shaped us since before we were even born — yes, the music your mother listened to when she was pregnant has an impact on the person you are today! 

Rejecting people and isolating ourselves in the name of “self-care” is counter-productive; it is neglecting our very essence as humans and forgetting that we are only where we are because we are constantly being supported by relationships. 

So, who am I when I’m alone, you ask? Well, when no one is around, I am still the product of people. I am the point of balance between forces that pass through me. Alone in my room, there are still the ghosts of the people who love me, who hate me, or even whom I only met once — I am encircled by the shadows of those who shaped the person I am today. I am my own unique identity, yes, but only because of those who surround me.

In a world that values individualism, that pushes self-fulfilment over our ties with others, and that leans more and more towards fascism, only caring about ourselves won’t get us anywhere. Now is the time for community. Let us dance as if the whole world were watching, and be happy about it.

Malou